Thursday, August 17, 2017 09:54

The First Apology (of Many, I Am Sure)

Hey, look, an apology post! Blog has been going for right at a month, and already I feel the need to explain why the scintillating commentary has trickled to a halt, like the last dribble of pus out of a lanced boil.

Sorry, you weren’t eating, were you?

Part of the reason, of course, falls directly on the shoulders of the holidays. Which is kind of ironic, considering what I was working on was an “I Hate The Holidays, Get The Fuck Over It!” post. As you might guess/expect, it was filled with various Ron-isms, like a turducken of profanity stuffed inside snark stuffed inside angst. It referenced sodomy with a rusty grapefruit spoon, claymation, The Grinch, Faith, Zooey Deschanel…  Mmmmm, Zooey Deschanel.

All in all, it was pretty fucking epic.

And by epic, I really mean utterly soul crushingly depressing. But hey, when you’re writing from the perspective of ostracism, isolation and holiday depression, what the fuck do you expect?

And that made writing it about as much fun as scraping my genitals with a plastic cheese grater and them dipping them in lemon juice. Combine that with a hectic holiday schedule and…

And you end up with this post after Christmas explaining why the holiday post sits unfinished.

I started breaking down the holidays and listing the bad and the the good of them, and I had somewhat of an epiphany: I don’t actually hate any specific holiday. I have mostly positive memories attached to them.  It isn’t even necessarily the holidays in general that I have an issue with.

It’s the forced happiness, the feeling somehow if you’re not wide-eyed-warm-and-fuzzy 24/7 this time of year, then there must be something wrong with you, and even more, it’s the sanctimonious hypocritical fucks who make you feel this way.

See! I’m already getting agitated just recapping this!

I’ m going to cover my best and worst holiday memories, just because I’ve told a couple of the people involved that was what I was going to do.

My all time best holiday memory comes from Christmas. It was 1988, and it was the first year our motley crew of usual suspects were apart. I was older by several years and going to college locally, the rest were off attending “real” colleges. It was a tradition that we drove around the rich neighborhoods and looked at Christmas lights. We weren’t able to get together until late, a little before midnight on Christmas Eve, and we almost decided against it, but in the end tradition won out. A lot of the houses had already turned off their decorations, but it was still nice driving around with the guys, catching up and listening to the radio.

The weather was cold, and it had snowed enough that there was still snow on the roads. There was nearly nobody else out, it was around midnight on Christmas Eve. The poor intern/schmuck who was stuck working the radio station came on the air with a plea for help. A Salvation Army truck filled with toys for needy children had broken down, and they needed people to unload the toys from the broken truck to the new one that was coming. We were only about a mile away, so we headed straight there. We arrived before the replacement truck did, and the guys driving the truck were amazed someone had showed up so quick, they were certain they were going to be lugging toys all night long. We even beat the one who had walked to a pay phone to call the radio station by a few minutes.

It was seriously a Hallmark Movie Christmas Miracle type event. Christmas Eve, midnight, a broken down truck full of donated toys for needy children, that dead still quiet you almost never hear in a city, and then it started to snow. I had never felt so connected, so utterly convinced that there may just be some hope for all of us talking monkeys on this ball of mud flying though space, and here has only been one time since I’ve ever gotten close.

Eventually some other people showed up and pitched in with the hauling, but there was a certain sense of pride in having been there first, and staying all the way through to the end, even going to the Salvation Army to make sure the truck got unloaded. And when the truck was empty and it was hot chocolate time, we were the only non Salvation Army people invited in.

The only way it could have been better would have been if everyone had spontaneously burst into Silent Night. I’ve got chills just writing about it.

On the other side of the coin, my worst experience is from New Year’s Eve. I’m not going to go into as much detail as The Christmas Miracle, but I can say with authority that there is no feeling quite as bad as watching the person you “love” kiss with what is essentially your replacement. To dull that pain, Dr. Ron suggests copious amounts of nitrous oxide and alcohol. Just make sure you have friends to support you emotionally, and a solid wall to support you physically, and things will get better.

Of course, my second best holiday memory is a New Year’s Eve one and involves kissing and a party as well, but that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Well, despite the fact that I didn’t start this out to be the holiday post, that is pretty much exactly what it turned into, only with about 1/3 of the angst, and even less of the profanity.

I’d like to take a moment to thank every single one of you who takes the time to read the words I spew out onto your screens. And to everyone who comments on my posts, a super-extra-big-ultra-sincere thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m thinking about throwing all your names into a hat (a digital one, I don’t actually own a real hat) and awarding one of you a prize.

Of course, there is already an existing secret hidden contest going on already that nobody has claimed/won yet, so another giveaway might be overkill.

I was originally going to try to squeeze another entry in this year, but that’s not likely at this point.  Stay tuned though, as I’ve got a list of posts to work on next year, as well as a secret comic project that will only appeal to two or three of you tops, but hopefully you’ll all come to love the new Peaceweenie and Biff strips.

Happy New Year, everyone!

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