Thursday, October 19, 2017 05:09

The (Absolutely) Last First Post

Do you know how many times I have written this “first” post? It is customary (if not an out and out requirement included when you agree to the End User License Agreement) that the very first post of a new blog be a post about that blog and the blog’s author/writer/keyboard monkey. Who am I, why am I blogging, why I chose the name for the blog I did, the kinds of posts you can expect, an amusing anecdote from my childhood, my shoe size, my favorite sexual position, Team Edward or Team Jacob…

Excuse me, sometimes I get carried away.  Hey, that might be a good name for the blog.

By its very nature, this first post is the apex of hubris. (Oooh, another potential blog title! I should start a list…) First, you are making the assumption that anybody out there in the giant void of cyberspace actually wants to read the inanery you plan on subjecting them to. And even if you are lucky enough to have a few dozen friends willing to stroke your ego by telling you “We totally want to read a blog by you!” then you still have to be enough of a self-indulgent prick to think anyone cares about the introspective twaddle that ends up in this first post. (Friends: “We just tuned in to watch you rant, when does that start?”)

Yes, yes, Introspective Twaddle would make an excellent blog name.

As I mentioned, this is not the first time I have written this first post. I have probably started close to a dozen blog introduction posts over the last few years and either never finished them or just left them to languish. Then I wrote a handful of posts about the posts about the blog. These went neglected as well. I even wrote two posts about the posts I wrote about the posts about the blog! I even remember the last one included a line about this becoming recursive if I wrote any more of these…

And yet, here it is: The post about the posts about the posts about the posts about the blog. With the circles and the arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one.

If you understood that last one, then it is a shame Thanksgiving just passed, because we could have gotten together for a Thanksgiving dinner that could not be beat.

But I digress… That one is already taken by all sorts of blogs, podcasts, a really great book, among others.

So… yeah, now what? I suppose I could move on to actually writing about myself and the blog, instead of about the post about the posts etc.

About Me: Again, here comes the pretense that I am more important than I actually am and my readers want-slash-need to know all about me. Some blogs even have entire sections devoted to just that, a separate link in the site navigation that you can click and be taken to an entire page of whimsy and enlightenment.

Most of you probably already know me, at least tangentially, elsewise why are you reading this? But let’s assume I keep regularly updating this beyond my usual two week attention span and actually manage to pick up additional readers. If you don’t see an about me link on my site, you can safely assume this has not happened. Or maybe there is an about me where I put some irrelevant blurb in there about me being “Just this dude…” or “MY NAEM IS RON I LIEK PIE!” Maybe there is a second section, or even a “Really About Me” where I actually tell you honest personal details about my life, most likely because I got tired of people complaining that the about me was not really about me at all. Maybe there is even a link titled “F.A.Q.” because so many people were asking questions about me and my blog that I judged them “Frequently Ask” and decided they needed a home of their own. That would mean that so many people read this blog that it is now my full time job, paying for me to sip froo-froo drinks with little pastel umbrellas in them while I lounge on a beach in Bora Bora, having grasped that brass ring of 21st century celebrity, Professional Blogger!

Oh yes, internets, you have figured out my diabolical agenda. Give your collective selves a pat on the back for that one.

Still, a boy can dream, can’t he?

I really haven’t written about me at all, have I? This has turned into an about about me.  All very meta.

What can I say about me? I’m just this dude, you know? Male, white, 42. Pisces, born and raised in Flint, Michigan, seventeen of the last nineteen years in Phoenix, Arizona. Married once, divorced just as many times. Currently not plural, but not opposed to the idea. I’ve been called a nerd, a dork, a geek and many other similar labels, all of which I wear with pride. College educated but without a degree. I like puppies, long walks on moonlight beaches and dancing in the rain…

Sorry, I always feel like I’m filling out a dating profile when I’m talking about myself online.  Although I do like dancing in the rain.

Why am I blogging: Why not? Next.

Okay, I’m not going to get away with that answer, am I? And you have to know that I knew that, otherwise why would I have brought it up, anyway?

Honestly, the sum total of my existence online has been one long blog, before the term was even in use. E-mail signatures, BBS forum posts, the usernames I pick, how I fill out online profiles, random snarky comments on BBS chat room walls, Geocities pages, LiveJournal, myspace, facebook, twitter, and now an actual blog.

The Ron, multimedia style. Maybe someday I’ll even have my own app.

I have actually had several blogs already. At least two on “actual” blog sites, several here in my internet host, two installed on my home server. None of them lasted beyond three posts, none of them were ever formally offered up for public consumption.

So what has changed? “Why now, Ron?” I can hear you asking. It is several things coming together at the same time. Not too long ago I closed the door (for now, at least, and likely for good) on a chapter of my internet life. And while I have never been exactly shy about expressing my opinion, I now have the freedom to do so without worrying about how some hypersensitive person could willfully misconstrue it and spin it to use for leverage to their own advantage. A few people I know have blogs, and this gives me the chance to feel like I’m part of something bigger than myself. And finally, there are some drastic changes coming in my life, and this will be one of the places for me to chronicle that.

So basically, the reason I am (finally) starting up a blog is: because the time is right.

Why I chose the name for the blog: If the current name for this blog is anything other than “Name This Blog!” it means either I decided on something I found suitably snarky, or someone else suggested something suitably snarky enough to suit my fancy. The naming of a blog is something that must be carefully considered. It has to be something informative, something that lets the reader know what it is they are about to get themselves into, yet quirky enough to be entertaining. This blog will never be named “Ron’s Blog.” Although “This Blog Will Never Be Named ‘Ron’s Blog'” would make an excellent blog name. As you may guess, choosing the name “Name This Blog!” means that at some point there may be a post inviting my readers to indeed… well, name my blog.

There are dangers associated with that, however. Nothing could be more humbling than to invite your readership to suggest a name or vote on a list of names and you only get three responses, one of which is “Ha ha, your blog is gay!”

No, that is not a good name for my blog.

The kinds of posts you can expect: Anything and everything. This really is just a blog about whatever is on my mind at the time I write it/post it. I make that distinction because I write a lot on paper, in composition books, while I am riding the train or sitting at work. I write these like someone is reading them, and as a matter of fact, this post was handwritten some time before it was ever put up electronically.  A number of my handwritten drafts carry the subtitle “Fueled by Guinness,” since a lot of the writing I do ends up being done from a pub over a Guinness.  The goal is to eventually use those handwritten entries for posts.

You can probably expect to see an occasional movie review. I am a self-proclaimed movie whore, seeing at least a movie a month, usually more. You can certainly expect me to rant and say fuck a lot. I have a reputation for being an angry, profanity laden ball of angst. It should come as no surprise that Lewis Black is one of my favorite current comedians, with Sam Kinison being my favorite of all time. It certainly doesn’t hurt that I am a loud, foul mouthed screamer, as was the late, great Mr. Kinison. Somewhere, I have a list of topics prepared that I plan to write or rant about, but at the same time, I am open to suggestions for topics for posts. But just because you suggest it doesn’t mean I am obligated to actually use it.  The Sociopolitical Ramifications of Religion Upon Fourteenth Century Feudal Monarchies is something you probably will never see me posting about here. (Now to just sit back and wait for some asshat to suggest that very topic.)

An amusing anecdote from my childhood: I don’t really remember my actual childhood all that well, there are times I question if I even had a childhood. I have mostly vague memories of isolated incidents, memories floating upon the seas of my past.

I was young, maybe three or four, certainly younger than kindergarten age, and in a house with a basement. The steps into the basement were carpeted, in my memory a thick blue shag. I had chocolate chip cookies, and the dog had managed to eat the first cookies I had. Of course the adults didn’t really believe me, so they gave me more cookies with the caveat “If you lose these, you won’t get any more!” So with cookies clutched tightly in my pudgy little hands, I headed for the stairs. It was winter and there were boots and shoes all over the top landing as well as along the sides of several stairs down. Focused as I was on cookie preservation, I tripped over some boots and fell down the stairs. I tumbled head over foot, somersaulting down the stairs and directly into the sliding closet doors at bottom. Like a husky little bowling ball, I knocked the doors off their tracks, sending them toppling down onto me. But I didn’t cry! Tumbling down a flight of stairs wasn’t enough to make me cry! Then I unclutched my sausage fingered death grip from around my chocolate chipped treasure, and I gazed down upon cookie ruination, a palm full of nothing more than crumbs, many of them slipping from my hand to pour like a delicious baked rain onto the blue shag below. And that was enough to bring me to tears. Falling down the stairs? That’s nothing, I’m tough! Losing my second set of cookies and knowing they wouldn’t be replaced? Serious trauma to my young psyche.

My therapist says I’m going to be fine, thanks for asking.

Answers to other random questions: 12 EEEE wide, with a woman, and…

Team Eric, of course.

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4 Responses to “The (Absolutely) Last First Post”

  1. Stephanie says:

    I like it, and I would go with…

    Excuse me, sometimes I get carried away….

    as the blog name, I like it! If you do not use, I will steal. FYI.

    -Stephanie

  2. Beth says:

    Oral Sex at Knifepoint.
    Grabs the attention right away.

  3. Andrea says:

    I second the “Excuse me, sometimes I get carried away…” name.

    TEAM ERIC!

  4. Kelly says:

    I too like
    Excuse me, sometimes I get carried away….

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